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May 24, 2007

T.O.W. I Actually Get To Type Doug E. Fresh

Just a few words about last night`s ass-dragging-in-the-mud snooze fest, and then I`ll stop. I promise.

1. I laughed my ass right OFF that both Melinda Dolittle`s alter ego Bette Midler and her alter ego`s costume, Gladys Knight, both performed. Oh, happy day!
2. I thought it fitting that after Blake got to beat box with Doug E. Fresh that Jordin didn`t perform with Bette. . .or Gladys. . .or Tony. . .but with Reuben Studdard. `HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!` is all I have to say. Get used to it Jordin, `cause that`s where you`re headed, honey.
3. The best, and I mean THE BEST part of the evening had nothing to do with Miss Sparks but everything to do with Mr. Lewis` slam-bam performance with the King of Beat boxing Doug E. Fresh. Those three minutes proved that Sassy, Jane, and Zoom are right. . .Blake will do better having NOT won last night and his career? Yeah, for him I`m actually seeing one that goes past singing syrupy pop ballads while wearing sundresses and doing things like speaking out about teenage abstinence and making appearance with pageant winners.

My Replay T.V. actually cut off right before they announced the winner, but I actually didn`t care. Barely noticed, actually. I simply switched to Ye Olde Local Nightly News and watched Jordin shake her hands in front of her face like Miss America and Blake silently thanking God for delivering him from evil. . .then switched off the T.V. and went to bed.

Jordin won `Idol`, Blake won a career, and we all went home happy.

The end.

And tonight… So You Think You Can Dance. Aw, YEAH!!

May 22, 2007

T.O.W. The `Awwwww!` Factor

Round 1, Blake.
Round 2, Jordin.
Round 3, . . .

And. . .we have a winner.

Ok, well, so we really don`t have a winner until Mr. Seacreast bends over and talks out of his ass for 2 hours. But after tonight? Yeeeah, I`m gonna go ahead and say we have a winner.

And it is not Blake.

And I am sad.

Question for you: (I will explain later): Was the crying legit? Or a ploy for votes? You decide.
But for anyone with, well, ears, it is pretty obvious who will be dubbed the next `Superstah!` tomorrow night, and it is Miss Jordin Sparks. This is rather har for me to say, since to me she`s nothing more than a Whitney/Mariah Houston/Carey in training (minus the weird, high dog whistle singing). I`ve been rooting for Mr. Beatboxer for a while now. . .well, since Melinda Dolittle turned into Bette Midler in a Gladys Knight costume.

And I truly thought he would take it. Sure, it`s a singing competition blah-la-la-la-la. But I`ve always thought it was about being, well, a pop star. The X Factor, people! An all-around good performer like, to give modern-day examples, Beyonce or Justin Timberlake ::holds back vomit:: And that`s Blake, what with the stage presence and the beatboxing and daring renditions and the whole Adam Levine/Rob Thomas vibe.

But aside from his knockout revamp of You Give Love A Bad Name (from Jon Bon Jovi-pretends-to-be-a-musician-and-teach-the-kids week), he lost. He just. . .lost. ::sigh:: I knew this finale would be The Performer (Blake) vs. The Singer (Jordin). And the singer is gonna win.

In watching AI since the year if Miss Clarkson, when it comes to the finale it becomes obvious who the fan favorite is. And it is more about just having a good voice. It becomes emotional this last week. America`s heart rules their head, and it goes from being about the X-Factor to being about the `Awww!` Factor.

Hmmm. . .perky girl with the killer smile? Guess who.

Yeah.

The first round did go to Blake, as I said. And I was excited. He knocked out the Bon Jovi hit while Jordin attempted Christina Aguilera's `Fighter` and failed. The entire song, it looked like something was jammed up her butt. Her facial expression never changed, the bumblebee-looking outfit was horrible and I just didn`t believe her singing that song. (And really, girls, don`t do a Christina song unless you`re prepared to writhe around the stage soaking wet wearing nothing but leftover scraps from the fabric store and enough eye makeup for the every member of The Cure.)

So after all that, needless to say I was thrilled. Even Simon agreed. We`re like ::this::, me and Simon. Yeah.

Second round? ::sigh:: Jordin with her `favorite` from the season, in this case Martina McBride`s Sad Woman Power Ballad `Broken Wing`. Whatever. Yeah, it definitely beat out Blake who attempted another Maroon 5 song, this time with less success. `She Will Be Loved` is a sweet pure song, and all Blake proved is that it would take quite a bit of `mixing` I think they call it, to make that work for him. That and he could`ve still sold it and he didn`t. So Jordin took that round with her broken wing. I think I`m just bitter because when I was 19 I lost a country music singing competition (don`t laugh) to some blonde whore in a red spandex dress who beat out my `Unchained Melody` with her friggin` `Broken Wing`.

So. . .a tie. Awesome. It`s everything I expected, a real competition folks. Then each contestant had to do their rendition of this year`s origiinal AI song (remember A Moment Like This?) This year`s song was the result of a song-writing competition and after hearing it I am kicking my own ass (no seriously I am) for not entering.

No, it`s not bad. It`s called This Is My Now and it talks about living in this moment and not letting being trapped from one`s dreams be an excuse from not following those dreams now. The lyrics are rather good and, don`t think I`m completely cheesy for saying it, actually spoke to me. But the melody and chorus, even the bridge, were bland bland bland.

BLAH.

Blake went first and proved once again that he is a performer. . . not a singer. Sure he was in tune (mostly) and knew the words but you could tell he was uncomfortable with this generic sample of the kind of pop music expected of him as the winner of this competition. He (over) compensated by doing this weird, bouncy dance thing while he sang and then. . it was over.

At that point I pretty much knew that unless Jordin walked out and took a crap on the stage, it was over for Blake.

I`m sure seeing Blake`s performance gave Jordin a little boost. Okay maybe not, but whatever it was, something kicked into gear with her charisma and she then proceeded to nail Blake to the wall with her emotional rendition. She sang that song like it was written just for her (though I will say the song is suited more for a female voice which pisses me off a bit and I wish there has been a song for each of them). But I guess this way one could really compare apples to apples, no?

But HERE`S the kicker.

Jordin hits the big belt note and takes the song down for a nice, quiet landing. Nothing new. That`s when it`s obvious she not gonna quite make it. She looks up into the faces of thousand of fans. . . the next to last `This is my now`, and her voice cracks. And I realize she`s trying to not cry. The final `This is my now` is lost when the tear cholk fails completely and the screaming of fans obliterates anything she would have sung after that. Jordin merely stands there, bows her head with tears streaming down her face as Randy tries to get a word in.

Real?

Fake?

Doesn`t matter. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

T.O.W. Days of Skirt and Cape

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Oh, my friends, it was a pinup kind of weekend. Sort of. Well, more sort of a comic book geek fest weekend, but whatever. I was a resident hot `skirt` at Cape. Well, Bride of Cape, to be exact. I was a Cape Skirt, if you will. I believe Cape Skirt is second cousin to Booth Babe. ::GRIN::

Uh yeah, I said Bride of Cape. I`m guessing it`s God`s overly-zealous sense of humor at work, but I cannot escape the world of superheroes. A world of men intights and women in, well, not too much. ANYWAY. Each year, Zeus Comics, a high-end comic book store in a trendy area of BIg D (known for its adjacent booming and rather enjoyable `gayborhood`), holds a comics and fine arts festival that coincides with National Free Comic Book Day. So we`re not just talking a bunch of guys who would trade their X-Men action figures to get under Peter Parker's spidey suit (yes, I too am a resident of Geekland). No, this is more an exhibit for up-and-coming (and some already rather big-time) comic book artists to showcase their talents, sell orginal pieces, and meet their fans. Sure, there are all the guys getting their rocks hard over the free comic books, the bins of back issues, the action figures and posters and t-shirts.

But why I (and the GTF) went for a second year in a row (and this was a couple weeks ago) was to see the artists at work. Nevermind that one of them is becoming rather famous for his retro and tiki pinup work and another couple draw and write funny online strips we both read daily (PVP and Sheldon by Dave Kellett) Anyhow, the talent in so many of these artists are amazing, and they and they more than gracious to the fans who will no doubt eventually shoot them into the bright light of comic book fame one day.

This year we came armed with blank, leather-bound sketch books, in serach of the greatest treasure Cape can offer, IMHO. Personally-commissioned, one-of-a-kind works of art. I came prepared, with a wickedly awesome picture of taken last Halloween as a "Naughty Fairy" and my wienie dog Sadie strapped to my chest. I couldn`t wait for the likes of Andy Lee and Cal Slayton to capture my naughty fairy hotness (hee hee) and and artists such as to do their rendering of what I must admit is a funny-looking little dog.

Call me a dork, fine. Whatever. But I`m posting the result below, which I must say are something rather to be proud of. I`m thinking of commissioning Cal Slayton to do a full-on, full-size pinup rendition once I can send him a good shot. SCORE.

First, here`s a snip of the photo I used.

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I'll tell you this rght off, kinda funny. The first I took it to was Dave Crosland (he designed the album cover for Gym Class Heroes). First up, Dave, who insisted I only brought my `hot` photo to get all the comic book geeks worked up and if I was gonna go that far, why didn`t I enter the costume contest? I told him since there was no way I could compete with Wonder-My-Star-Spangled-Ass-Is-Hanging-Out-Woman, that I shouldn`t bother. After I finished blushing ten shades of red, I watched him go to work...

Anyhoo-- this is what he did with my photo:

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Next has to be one of my new favorite artists. Cal Slayton draws pinups in a mod, Tiki-Polynesian style that the GTF and I both love. I`m thinking of commissioning him to do a more life-like portrait of me, but for Cape he rendered this cartoon depiction of my photo (in which I rather resemble a sexy Morticia Adams or Bride of Frankenstein). Lovin` it!

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From there, I decided to let a couple artists take a whack at drawing the wiener --- dog that is. Dave Kellett was the first to take on the challenge, not that he would have any trouble. His Sheldon online comic features terrific comic depictions of animals. He focused on her big brown eyes and love of chasing bunnies. Hilarious.

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Next, I revisited Blue Canary`s creator Kathryn White. Kat did a great portrait of `Princess` Sadie last year, simply from a verbal description. This year, I couldn`t wait to see what she would do with the live wiener in tow. She decided to draw the both of us, with terrific results. If you look real close, Sadie is definitely smiling. Everybody say: `Awwwwwww!`

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Next (well, last) it was on to another returning from last year`s Cape, Andy Lee. Check out Andy`s fascinating story and unique style of painting by going here. I had to have the fabulous Mr. Lee give his rendition of my fairy photo, and as I expected it was---magnificent. Wow.

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All in all, a glowing success at Cape this year.

Ooh! Ooh! I almost forgot. The wife of one of these artists got inspired and decided to start a little side-business inspired by none other than the 1950s pinup! Her table was simply covered with blank books matted inside and out with Elvgren and Vargas prints. Incredible. Amazing. I bought Four. Yeah. Four. What am I going to do with them? I don`t know. But I lurrrrrrve them.

THEN - to top it all off, my mom came by to drop off a supply of Mary Kay. She has dragged my dad all over Canton`s First Monday, and she managed (somehow she always does) to pick me up something cool. This time, she managed to find a framed print of this 1930s Elvgren piece, backed with newspaper from 1933.

Okay, so it`s still propped up against the lamp on my night table because I have no idea where to hang it. Yeah. I can`t seem to make simply little decision like that lately. I know, I know. It looks like an art supply store threw up on my blog. But we did have a blast. And ::drumroll please:: I have decided on the pinup girl I will use if and when I get my tattoo. And the winner is:

Yeah, I`m not ready to show ya`ll that yet. ;)

May 17, 2007

T.O.W. I Was RIGHT!!!

Ha! Yeah, baby! Take that, all you people who thought someone-who-looks-55-but-is-actually-29 should win a pop star contest!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Melinda Dolittle was voted off AI last night. American FINALLY did something right and is giving us a finale actually worth the 1 hour and 55 minutes of Ryan Seacrest's bullsh*t we`ll have to sit through. ::cocks shotgun::

IMHO, it will be the most exciting AI finale we`ve seen since Miss Clarkson went head-to-head with that guy named -- uh-- you know, the curly-headed guy who ended up trying to run over some girl on his Sea-Doo or pogo stick or whatever. Good times.

Wow, an actual BATTLE for that completely inflexible, deal-with-the-devil record contract! I can`t believe it!

May 16, 2007

T.O.W. My Two Cents

So before I get onto today`s official topic, I must take pause to comment on the television phenomenon that has quickly become about as exciting as this website where you can watch a giant piece of cheese age (translation: mold)-- that`s right folks, American Idol.

I officially got over this season around the thirty-seventh time Melinda Dolittle annoyingly faked shock at the audience`s and judge`s reaction to her professional-level performing (and why are people so surprised? She`s been a professional performer!) Since then, I`ve watched out of morbid curiosity to see things like what hideously inappropriate outfit Lakeesha would squeeze herself into, or how Blake could manage to insert beat-boxing into a Tony Bennett song (or to figure out why Barry Gibb has started talking like Sean Connery).

But now it`s down to the wire, and I feel compelled to add my two cents as to who should be part of next week`s 1-hour-and-55-minutes-too-long finale. Okay and seriously, I think next year they should add a new twist where we can vote off the host or one of the judges (`It was a little pitchy, dawg!`). ::retching:: ::gunshot:: ::contented sigh::

Anyway --

First, let me piss everyone off by saying that I want Blake to win. Period. If for no other reason than to upset all those know-it-alls who have been convinced since Day One that Melinda had it in the bag.

But there are plenty of other reasons. The guy is innovative, he takes risks. His mod remakes of rock classics such as Bon Jovi`s `You Give Love A Bad Name` show song-writing and collaboration potential, something sorely lacking in nearly every other AI winner. He`s multi-talented, versatile, and likeable. And he can dance. And he's got nice hair.

Oh, you need another reason? How about this: I would simply like a white guy to win whose target audience doesn`t include my grandmother and prematurely gray-haired lounge singers.

Onto Melinda. Uuuurgh. Sure, she can sing. Well. Really Well. And she`s humble. Or so we think. But the woman has about as much sex appeal as Hillary Clinton in a metallic G-string and galoshes. And has anyone else noticed how she appears to have no neck? She`s simply not bankable (remember Rueben Studdard?), and before we know it she`ll be doing covers of Bette Midler songs for some retirement community in Miami Beach.

That leaves Li`l Miss Sparks. X Factor. X Factor. X Factor. Jordin`s only seventeen, already with that set of pipes; she`s on her way to being another Whitney Houston (minus the whole being-a-crackhead thing). She`s young. She`s gorgeous (Yeah, and curvy. So shut up.). And she`s so peppy that I often want to throw buckets of cold fish at her, but it works. It all works.

Not to mention that a finale between Blake and Melinda (or Jordin and Melinda) would rate as AI`s all-time number one snooze-fest. But Blake vs. Jordin? Why, we might just have a nail-biter, ladies and gentlemen!!

May 10, 2007

T.O.W. The Top 10 List

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Hmm, let`s see.

10. I changed my outfit six times (Yes. Six times.) because everything I put on made me look like a bloated (albeit tan) walrus.
9. Took one look at my girl `fro then got out my boyfriend's electric razor and comtemplated pulling a `Britney Spears`.
8. Cried into my hair when my morning radio show played ten seconds of `Christmas Shoes`.
7. Cried again when I looked in the mirror and realized I had ruined my makeup.
6. Ate leftover medium-rare angus beef in my car. For breakfast. With my hands.
5. Ate a chocolate cake donut at my desk. For breakfast. In four bites.
4. Cried again because I ate a cake donut.
3. Called my iPod an a**hole when the battery went dead.
2. Took eight Midol.
1. Ate medium-rare angus beef again. For dinner.

Top ten reasons why I think – I think – I might be getting my period. Just maybe.